


Horizon

by subtlesinner



Series: No Room for Love in War [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, all the sadness, horizon - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-27
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-07-18 12:39:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7315561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/subtlesinner/pseuds/subtlesinner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard's had a hard time dealing with her own mortality, and her crew has taken notice of it. To top it all off, Kaidan's stationed on Horizon, and she's a nervous wreck at the idea of seeing him again after two years. </p><p>-------</p><p>Exactly what it looks like, the painful account of what happens during and after the Collectors attack Horizon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Horizon

Her heart rate quickened the moment the Illusive Man hesitated during the debrief, his face betraying reluctance as he added,

“And there’s something else I should mention… An old member of your crew is stationed on Horizon.” Shepard swallowed hard; he couldn’t be talking about who she hoped he was. “Kaidan Alenko is there on Alliance business.”

“I-In the Terminus system?” She asked, hoping the surprise on her face didn’t betray the fear that was making it suddenly difficult to breathe. “What do they have him doing out there?”

“The official word is Commander Alenko and his team are stationed on Horizon to improve relations between the Citadel and Terminus space, but with the Alliance involved, there’s got to be something big going on.” Shepard nodded, trying not to look like she’d just seen a ghost. The last two years had passed practically without her knowledge while she had been considered dead - she really shouldn’t have been surprised that Kaidan had been promoted to Commander, after all, he was one of the most disciplined and committed Alliance soldiers she’d ever met.

“We have to warn them about the Collectors. They could help! Send us reinforcements, or supplies…” The Illusive Man shook his head, his brows furrowed as he refused vehemently.

“Not until we know what we’re dealing with, here, Shepard. I don’t want Alliance Command interfering with us unless we absolutely have to.” She understood why the Illusive Man would be reluctant to involve Alliance Command, but the idea of just their small Normandy tactical team and whatever remained of the Alliance soldiers being pitted against the Collectors didn’t sit well with her in the least.

“Get Joker the coordinates and we’ll be on our way.” The Illusive Man nodded, exhaling a plume of smoke as he gestured at her with his still-burning cigarette.

“This is the most notice we’ve ever had, Shepard. Good Luck.” Shepard turned on her heel, already on her way out the door, “Don’t fuck this up.” She heard the addition just as the metal doors slid closed behind her, worry and doubt already bouncing noisily around in her skull as she strode up to the cockpit anxiously. She still couldn’t believe what he’d said… _Kaidan. Her_ Kaidan was stationed on Horizon, and there were Collectors on their way there; they could even be there at that moment. The thought sent a spike of fear through her as she walked through the cockpit door.

“Joker, we’ve been given orders to head for Horizon.”

“What the hell are we supposed to be going to Terminus space for?” Garrus spoke up from behind her, and Shepard jumped, her nerves already shot as it was.

“Yeah, I just saw the dossier from Cerberus Command.” Joker nodded, punching coordinates into the console next to him as Shepard motioned for Garrus to join them in the cockpit. “Is Horizon going to be the next colony to be abducted? Please tell me we’re gettin’ sent in to stop it!” His voice rose with excitement, but Shepard couldn’t get excited, fear and dread still heavy on her chest.

“That’s not all…” She shook her head, still in shock at the news. She tried to think of the best way to explain, but Garrus immediately cut in.

“Oh, I really don’t like the way you just said that.” The Turian’s jaws twitched open and shut as he looked at her suspiciously. “Why don’t I like the way you just said that?”

“I’ve just been informed that one of our former crew members happens to be deployed on an Alliance assignment on Horizon.” Her voice strained as she spoke, and Shepard laughed at herself sadly, hoping to not fall apart in front of them, even though she knew, they were probably the two crew members she trusted the most.

“Aw, Shepard, you don’t mean-“ Joker started, rubbing at the back of his neck awkwardly, while Garrus looked surprised, and a little troubled.

“The Alliance has the Lieutenant stationed on Horizon? Are the Collectors targeting Horizon because he holds a direct connection to you?”

“Apparently he’s been promoted to Commander, now,” Shepard pouted slightly, before addressing Garrus’s second question. “And it’s starting to look like that might be the case.” Joker finally looked over his shoulder at Shepard, who seemed like even more of a nervous wreck than she had been of late. He’d noticed how poorly Shepard had been treating herself since they’d joined up with Cerberus; she’d been getting little to no sleep, and only eating minimal food and water. He made a mental note to try to talk to her about it later, trying to lighten her mood a little with a joke.

“So, Alenko’s stuck out on Horizon right now, just waiting around for the Collectors to come and abduct his ass?” He regretted it immediately, Shepard practically jumping at the words.

“Yeah, you know, I was kind of hoping we could, maybe, avoid the part where Kaidan gets taken? He’s still, you know-” Shepard hesitated slightly, doubt clouding her thoughts, “-Really damned important to me, whether things have changed or not.” Joker nodded, settling back into his chair with a sigh before replying,

“Don’t worry about it too much, Shep. Better go get some rest, we’ll be in Terminus space before you know it.” He hoped she would actually take his advice and get some damned sleep.

“Thanks, Joker.” She sounded sad still, and Joker felt like an ass for joking about Alenko.

“Hey, Shepard?” Joker added without looking up from the various screens and controls as he set to work, “We’ll figure it out. We always do… And Kaidan’s a good soldier. He’ll keep himself safe until we get there.”

Shepard appreciated the sentiments, but couldn’t shake the feeling of existential dread and panic that filled her heart at the thought of what lie ahead of them. She couldn’t deny how much she missed Kaidan; in the past, their relationship had kept her motivated through the conflict with Saren, and their rapport had kept her sane. Kaidan was such an integral part of her life on the Normandy, Shepard knew she was having difficulty resuming her life as it had been without him by her side; she couldn’t sleep at night, her mind constantly running as she debated with herself, back and forth, whether or not she should reach out to him. Inevitably, she always proved too much of a coward to actually do anything, overwhelmed with fear that he wouldn’t _want_ her back in his life, that two years was a long time, and he probably had moved on without her by now. And yet, at the same time, being a Spectre without Kaidan at her side still felt so wrong, worse, was the thought that she might lose him, when they were so close to finally seeing each other again. As Shepard walked out of the cockpit, she felt Garrus’s fingers close around her elbow gently, and he followed her closely, his voice as gentle as his touch,

“Shepard, may I have a word in private?” Shepard nodded at him quickly, motioning for him to follow as she lead the way back to her quarters.

 

***

 

Shepard invited Garrus into her quarters calmly, despite the rising panic in her chest. She wasn’t sure what he was about to say, but she knew whatever it was, it probably wasn’t good.

“Thanks, Shepard. I wanted to talk to you in private… Too many prying eyes around the Normandy these days.” Shepard nodded, motioning for Garrus to sit down on her chair while she sat on her desk, back pressed to the wall and her knees draw to her chest. He pulled out the chair, sitting down comfortably before Shepard couldn’t wait any longer.

“What did you want to talk about, Garrus?” She asked, her curiosity getting the better of her.

“Shepard, you haven’t… tried to reach out to Kaidan since you, well, _died_ … have you? Does he even know you’re alive?” She shook her head quickly, avoiding Garrus’s eyes. “Well, I really wish you had, Shepard, because he might not take this kind of news very well… Look, the night after you died, Wrex, Kaidan and I got it in our heads to get wasted, our own little-“ Garrus struggled to remember the hazy details, “What did he say? A wake, that’s what Kaidan called it… Just our own little tribute to you.”

“I’m flattered, but-“ Shepard started, but Garrus interrupted her as he continued,

“That wasn’t my point, Shepard. I was trying to say, things got very ugly that night. Everyone took your death hard, no doubt, I mean, you’re a symbol to god damned humanity,” Garrus rolled his eyes, “But Kaidan, he took it harder than all the rest of us combined. He was so sick with grief, his cheekbones were practically hollow, and he still continued to drown himself in alcohol at the bar. I haven’t seen him since that night, but…” Garrus shrugged, “It’s not easy, watching one friend die, and another lose the love of his life. Two years is a long time, Shepard. He might not be the same man you fell in love with anymore.” Garrus sounded resigned, but not unkind, his usual brand of tough love. “I just don’t want you to get hurt, if, you know-“ Garrus hesitated before following through with his thought, realizing it sounded insensitive a moment too late. “If he doesn’t come back to you with open arms.”

“Thank you, Garrus.” Shepard sighed, wishing her heart would stop aching whenever she thought of Kaidan’s face. “I guess it’s true, I can’t expect my old crew to drop everything just to walk down memory lane with me.” Garrus looked slightly confused, and Shepard had to smile, a small genuine smile that reminded her that not all phrases were universal. “Sorry, human saying.”

“I gathered that much.” Garrus replied, a hint of mirth coloring his voice.

“At this point, I’m just praying we make it to Horizon before the Collectors do, or all this bitching won’t even matter.”

“Joker’s the best pilot in the galaxy. He’ll get us there in time.” Garrus soothed, standing from the chair to embrace Shepard. She squeezed him back thankfully, before he held her at an arm’s length, looking her up and down, then clicking his jaws at her.

“You’d better rest up while we still have a chance. We’ll be in the Terminus system before you know it, and don’t think I haven’t noticed the way you’ve been treating yourself lately. You look like you haven’t slept in days.”

“Yeah… you’re probably right.” Shepard sighed, following Garrus to the door. She knew they all cared about her, and were worried, but she honestly didn’t feel like eating or sleeping. In the past, Kaidan had helped her deal with this kind of depression, but now she knew she’d have to find another way to cope. She made a mental note to go see Doctor Chakwas at the next available opportunity, but for now, tiredness was still fogging her brain more than she wanted to admit.

“I’ll see you in a few hours, Shepard.”

“Thanks again, Garrus.”

 

***

 

The air felt eerily still as Shepard, Jack and Garrus made their way through the colony settlement from where Joker had managed to drop the Mako. They hadn’t encountered any living things since landing - no humans, no Collectors, nothing… It was enough that Shepard was starting to panic, fearing they were already too late, when Jack shouted in surprise and began firing at a familiar-looking blue humanoid creature that had begun sprinting full-speed at them.

“Ugh!” Jack wrinkled her nose as the creature fell to the ground in front of her, lifeless, the impact wounds from Garrus’s rifle still sizzling.

“That can’t be-“ Garrus started, and Shepard stared at it with disbelief. “Is that a Husk? Like the ones Saren was making?”

“It shares some of the same features,” Shepard nodded in confirmation, before continuing, “There’s something different about these, though. These Husks are more advanced than the ones Saren was given by Sovereign… They’re almost… evolved.” Only seconds later, a wave of Husks followed the first, along with a handful of Collectors; Shepard motioned for Jack and Garrus to get to cover, diving behind a barrier just in time, as the Collectors started a full-on assault, a barrage of fire sailing just over their heads. Shepard barked out orders, making the most of Garrus’s sniping skills, along with her and Jack’s biotics by calling shots and disrupting the Collectors’ momentum with well-placed pushes and bursts. The Collectors may have taken the shore party by surprise, but Shepard seemed to flourish under the pressure, as usual. She tossed the last Husk easily with her biotics as if it were a rag doll.

“There’s going to be a hell of a lot more where they came from.” Jack nodded in the direction the Collectors had approached from, and Shepard’s heart droppedwhen she saw the massive size of the freighter the Collectors had landed on Horizon.

“Shepard… I think you should see this.” Garrus called from a few yards away. The Commander’s jaw dropped open in horror as she approached him, her eyes fixed on the rows of strange, alien pods that lined the walls of the Colony, feeling sick when she recognized the vague outlines of human forms inside… a likely answer as to why everything had suddenly gone so still and quiet.

“What the hell are these things?” Shepard asked, more to herself than anyone in particular. “We need to call the Alliance for backup, now-“ Her train of thought was interrupted by the sound of metal clattering, and all three heads snapped toward it, immediately on edge and ready to engage if necessary. A locked door stood between the shore party and the source of the sound they’d heard; it took Shepard only a moment to hack through the encryption and then they were breaching the door, weapons at the ready.

“D-don’t shoot!” A man’s panicked voice yelped when Shepard turned to face him, her pistol drawn and loaded. “You-you’re human? What the hell are you doing out here? They’re going to see you! You’ll lead them right to us!”

“There was already a squad camped outside, but we took care of them. There’s bound to be more, though. Can’t get rid of the Collectors that easily.”

“Wait, those things are Collectors? I always thought the Collectors were just stories, made up to scare us humans into staying in Alliance space! Oh my God, they got Lilith, and Sten-“ The man grew distraught, “They got damned near everybody!”

“Sir, I’m going to need you to try to stay calm.” Shepard tried soothingly, as she continued to interview the only survivor they’d encountered so far. “What’s your name? What do you do on this colony?”

“I’m Delan… I’m a mechanic. Came in here to check on the main grid after our comms went down. Then, I heard the screaming… I looked outside and there were these swarms of, I don’t know, bugs? Everyone they touched just froze.” Delan looked slightly guilty as he admitted, “I got scared, so I sealed myself in.” Jack made a disgusted sound, and Delan looked even guiltier. “Damn it! It’s the Alliance’s fault they’re here! They set up those defense towers, and stationed that trained parrot of theirs, Alenko, here… It made Horizon a target!” Her pulse quickened when Kaidan’s name left Delan’s mouth with such distaste; if he were still a member of the Normandy’s crew, she might have said something, made Delan apologize for disrespecting an Alliance Officer, but at the moment she needed information.

“Tell me about Commander Alenko,” Shepard instructed, and Garrus made a slightly disappointed sound from behind her. “Why was he stationed on Horizon?”

“He was supposed to be getting the defense towers up and running, but… I always got the feeling there was more to it than that. Spying on us or something… I don’t know.”

“So the colony has defense towers? That could help us get rid of the Collectors.” Garrus mused, but Delan just scoffed.

“Yeah, if the targeting system would actually work. The Alliance gave us these huge guns, but the damned things can’t even shoot!” The longer the man spoke, the more Shepard grew to dislike him. Her nostrils flared as she grew frustrated,

“They were trying to help. The Collectors have been targeting remote colonies lately.”

“Well, we don’t want their help! We were better off before they came. That Alenko said he was only here to get these towers online, but I swear - there’s more to it than that!”

“We ought to be able to calibrate that targeting system, Shepard. I just need to know where to go.” Garrus spoke quickly, trying to keep her from losing her quickly fraying temper.

“They’re easy to find. There’s a main transmitter on the other side of the colony. Targeting controls are right at the base. And good luck… you’re gonna need it.”

 

***

 

Even through all the adrenaline, Shepard’s heart still sank when the shots from the newly calibrated defense towers collided explosively with the Collector vessel. Rocket flares signaled the inevitable, and the giant freighter departed, all colonists who’d already been collected still onboard.

“Damn it!” Shepard cursed, gritting her teeth as she watched it quickly disappear from view. “They got what they came here fore… The colonists were still onboard.” Delan burst from his hiding place, staring at the sky desperately.

“No! You can’t let them do this!”

“There’s nothing more we can do… I’m sorry.” Shepard said, her voice growing weaker as she said, “They’re gone.”

“Nothing you can do? Half the colony was taken! You have to _do_ something!” Delan’s voice grew to a demanding roar, and Shepard could feel herself starting to crumble; the last thing her mental state needed was this on her conscience.

“This isn’t how I wanted it to end. I’m sorry, Delan. We did everything we could.”

“More than anyone else, for that matter, Shepard.” Garrus added, putting a firm hand on her shoulder, knowing she was quickly reaching the end of her rope.

“Wait… _Shepard_? Why do I know that name?” Delan stopped, a look of surprise on his face. “Sure, now I remember you! Some kind of famous Alliance hero.” A new voice joined them from around a barricade, and the mix of relief and anxiety that flooded through her was almost indescribable.

“Commander Jane Shepard, Captain of the SSV-Normandy, the first human Spectre, and the savior of the Citadel.” The closer Kaidan stepped, the more Shepard started to notice the little things about his features that had changed since their last kiss goodby before they got out of bed that fateful morning - his dark hair now flecked grey at the temples, and his eyes were deep-set with lines from worry that weren’t so prominent in the past. “You’re in the presence of a legend, Delan…” Kaidan hesitated a moment before adding, “And a ghost.” Delan crossed his arms over his chest as he looked at Kaidan grudgingly.

“All the good people we lost today, you somehow you still managed to get left behind. That just figures.” Shepard wanted to beat a little respect into the mechanic by now, but Kaidan just let it roll off his back. “Fuck this, I’m done with you Alliance types.” Delan stormed away, leaving Kaidan, Garrus, Jack and Shepard standing in the middle of the colony.

“Jack and I are going to sweep for stragglers. We’ll meet back here when we’ve finished.” Garrus hoped he wasn’t making the awkward situation any worse, but Shepard was grateful she no longer had to have this conversation with anyone else around. The minute they were alone, Kaidan walked up to her slowly, almost reverently, not believing she was real before him; he opened his arms, pulling her into an embrace that made her think, just for a moment, that things could actually go back to they way they had been before all this. He spoke softly, just loud enough for her to hear the rasp in his voice, slightly choked with held-back sorrow.

“ _Jane…_ I thought you were dead.” The horror in his voice made her chest tighten, “We all did.”

“Kaidan, it’s so good to see you-“ Shepard started, not sure if she should be smiling or not, “I, uh- how have you been?”

“ _How have I been?”_ He looked hurt and angry, and Shepard suddenly knew now what Garrus had seen coming. “Is that really all you have to say to me right now? You’re just going to show up after 2 years and act like nothing’s happened?” His voice turned bitter, and Shepard felt something inside her break as he continued venomously, “I thought we had something, Jane… Something I’ve never had with anyone else, something real, and good.” He laughed coldly and derisively as he said, “For God’s sake, I loved you, Shepard! Can’t you imagine what thinking you were dead did to me? It tore me up inside! How- how could you possibly put me through that? I thought you loved me, too!” The hurt was clear on Kaidan’s face as all the feelings that had been whirling around in his head spilled from his mouth, unfiltered by his usual calm, measured demeanor. Shepard couldn’t deny the awful pang of guilt she felt when he shouted at her, “Did you even _think_ about trying to reach out to me? Why wouldn’t you try to tell me you were alive?” She knew she should have done something, _anything_ , sooner, but it was too late to convince him of that, now.

“Kaidan, it wasn’t my choice! I just spent the last two years as an experiment on a lab table, unconscious, while Cerberus spent a literal fortune bringing me back. I was only cleared to be actually conscious about a month ago, and I didn’t work up the courage to tell you. I didn’t even know if you’d believe me if I did!” Kaidan shrank back the second she’d mentioned who had managed to bring her back, a look of disgust and betrayal on his face when he asked,

“So, you’re working for Cerberus, now?” Shepard couldn’t ignore Kaidan’s volatile reaction; she knew his hatred for the humanist terror group was well-founded, but it hurt, knowing he didn’t seem to believe that she hated them just as much as he did.

“Do you really think I’d be working with them if I had any choice?” Kaidan scoffed, shaking his had and avoiding her eyes as she pleaded with him, “If it wasn’t for Cerberus, I’d still be dead, Kaidan. Nothing but a cold, corpse.” Her eyes brimmed with tears, but she blinked them away just as quickly when Kaidan snorted indignantly.

“I couldn’t believe those fucking reports… but now I see I was just being naive, thinking Cerberus couldn’t buy you and Garrus’s loyalty.”

“Wait- reports? You mean you already knew about us?”

“Alliance Intelligence thought Cerberus might have been linked to the missing colonies. They got word that Horizon might have been next, so they sent me to get these defense towers online.” He sighed heavily, adding, “You know, Anderson completely stonewalled me… Maybe he thought I couldn’t handle the truth, but the rumors were bound to find me eventually. Rumors that you weren’t really dead, that you were out there and working for the enemy.” He looked so angry, Shepard’s chest physically hurt.

“I’m only working with Cerberus until my debt is paid, Kaidan-“

 _“AND HOW LONG WILL THAT BE, HUH, SHEPARD?”_ Kaidan roared, blue sparks skipping over his temples as his temper flaring when she refused to listen to him. “I wanted to believe you were alive, but I never expected you would be willing to do something like this.”

“Kaidan, human colonies are disappearing! The Alliance turned their backs on them, and Cerberus seems to be the only group that’s willing to do anything about it! As soon as we stop whoever’s behind these attacks, I’ll be able to-“

“How can you possibly believe that, Shepard? After seeing the Thorian plant with your own eyes? You and I both know what Cerberus stands for, what they’re capable of! You turned your back on everything we fought together for… Shepard, you didn’t just betray the Alliance, you betrayed me!”

“Kaidan, you _know_ me.” A tear rolled down her cheek. but she didn’t bother to wipe it away as she pleaded with him desperately, “You know me better than anyone I’ve ever let get close to me. You have to know by now that I would only ever do something like this for the right reasons! You saw for yourself, the Collectors are going out of their ways to target human colonies, and they’re working with Reapers!”

“Shepard, I wish I could trust you, but I _don’t_ trust Cerberus! What if they’re just using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you into doing whatever they want? What if they’re behind all of it, working with the Collectors?”

“Kaidan, you’re letting your history with Cerberus cloud your judgement. If you just look at the facts-“

“Shepard, you’re working for an organization that stands against every value you once held, because you feel like you owe them a debt for saving you.” He sounded sad and angry at the same time, “I think you’re the one whose judgement is clouded.” Shepard looked back at him, still shocked by the weary frustration and betrayal that had taken over his features as he shook his head. “You’ve changed, Shepard, but not me. I know where my loyalties lie. I’m an Alliance soldier, and I always will be…”

“Kaidan, please-“

“I have to report back to the Citadel, Jane _._ I’m sorry. It’s up to them to decide if they believe your story, or not.”

“No, wait! Don’t leave, Kaidan, _please_ -“ She pleaded, reaching out for him, but Kaidan was already starting to turn away, looking back at her with a mix of anger and heart-wrenching sadness.

“Don’t make this any harder than it has to be, Shepard.” _Please._ Even after all the years apart, the unspoken pleading still managed to work its way from him, like the twist of a knife in his gut. She could see his eyes welling as he pulled away from her touch on his arm. “You made your choice. I could never love someone who lowers themselves to working for Cerberus.”

Shepard watched him walk away, making no move to stop him again, tears streaming down her cheeks as her shoulders shook silently. Sniffing once, she swiped the back of her glove under her nose before radioing the Normandy to let Joker know they were ready for extraction. She had to speak slowly to keep her voice from cracking, but even still, Joker could hear the crippling anguish through the static of the comm speaker.

“The Collectors are gone. We’re done here.” She activated a homing beacon from her omni-tool, before ordering, “We’ll rendezvous back at the Mako, and you can pick us up.”

“We’ll be right there, Commander.” Joker answered, shaking his head as he started tracking her coordinates.


End file.
